One time in my life when I need to be strong... a pillar for my babies....instead I'm struggling with every ounce of me not to cry.....to be able to breath....not panic with fear...I have been through a lot in my life....all which holds nothing to what I'm feeling about sending my baby off to a war zone...
Many of you don't know but my middle child...child #4.... "aka" short bus (nickname given to her because she is 5ft 1and gives me piggyback rides... I tease that she is so short my butt hits the floor)...T-birder(another nickname)...Taneah is in her last 9 days of training/holding before she is being deployed .......
Up until last Tuesday....it didn't bother me...because I decided to go with denial...my other daughter said mom she wont go....they will probably cancel her orders....I went with that....denial......it was working for me...up until she packed her gear at my house...then it hit me...my baby...my short bus really is going to a war zone and I can't do anything to stop her from going...to protect her....
I looked at her and said you really are going....
She said yeah, mom I'm...
I said but NaTasha said you wouldn't be going....she said they would probably cancel your orders...she was wrong...
I watched her pack her gear...thank goodness the rat that came to visit which took my mind off her going....
The next day....we said our goodbyes.....I thought saying goodbye to my babies that got stationed in Alaska was hard...well, was I WRONG....totally wrong...sending your baby to war....is a feeling that I can't explain....so many emotions but no words really capturing the way I feel.....
When I said goodbye...it was like saying goodbye knowing that I never get to see her again....that the person I'm saying goodbye to will not be the same person I will see when she gets back....it will be someone new....A person I never met before.... Will I ever see her again....she may not come back......over the last couple of weeks we talked about her wishes in case that happens...again I used denial and jokes....thinking she wouldn't go...yep, worked then...but not now.....reality hits...
She left me her car to use...every time I get in it....I can't describe how I feel....Thankful her letting me use her car while she is gone...but knowing why I have the luxury/honor of using her car...hard to handle at times...but what a sweet baby....
I had a parent say to me who does not have a child in the military...as parents we prepare our kids to go out and take care of themselves in the world that's all you can do...as if she thought this was comforting to me....I looked at her for a moment....
and replied yes, we do....but we do not prepare them for war.....not the same I said...thinking to myself....shes not moving away....she is going to protect us in a country that really is not fond of Americans...where bombs go off and guns are shot...forgot to prepare her for that.....
I have also struggled with the fact that my son-in-law....child #10...one of my gifts...went to war but I did not get this upset....I love Bryon as much as I do my own..... worried bout him the first time he left...I did cry and was scared for him..the next time...I put it out of my mind and knew he would be ok still scared for him....but with Taneah....why am I a basket case....I feel bad....like I was letting Bryon down...I immediately called my daughter NaTasha and apologized for not being as upset/scared when Bryon was deployed...... I didn't want Bryon ever to think that I loved him less....
She said mom he doesn't think that....we both think kids should be older when they go to war....and Taneah is blood mom...but I said that should not matter....I think it's because she is a girl...and Bryon can take care of himself....yes, I was sexist for a moment....one of them is very capable of taking care of themselves... the other...is not so capable....immature... really young....lacking life experiences...
I have a new understanding for parents who have gone or are going through the same thing as I'm....Not an easy thing....we can not protect our loved ones.....put them in a bubble...send notes telling people who want to kill them to play nice...and learn to get along.....we loose control of being able to protect them what so ever....not easy...extremely hard thing to do as a parent...
To all the families that have sent their loved ones to a war zone....My thoughts and prayers are with you....and always have been....Words cannot express what I feel for your pain or what you are feeling....
Thank you to all the service men for your sacrifices that you have given.....to protect us....
