I Found My Big Girl Panties......

This morning I realized I have lost my vision.....my happy thoughts. I have allowed people's negative thoughts, words and action to play a huge part in how I feel and react to situations and things. I'm not sure when this happened but it did. It's not a good thing nor a good feeling
BUT now it's time for a CHANGE,  growth, strength, and slap myself silly for allowing it. What was I thinking...oh, that's right I wasn't thinking. I was reacting which not a good thing. Sooooooooooooo

I'm commanding and taking BACK control of my life, actions and thoughts. I'm standing up throwing signs up which read.
I'm strong..........
I'm happy........
Your negative thoughts will no longer control my thoughts and words..........but I will use my words to be heard regarding your negativity.
I will become stronger from your negativity.....going to put on my big girl panties and leave them on this time...
Look out world I'm back.............One step forward to becoming deliriously happy....

Ultimatum......... Negative Word With A Positive Spin

Ultimatum......A statement that expresses or implies the threat of serious penalties if the terms are not accepted. A negative word by all means.....

I was recently given an ultimatum, needless to say, it did not set well with me.... is it going to get me to comply with what they want...Nope not at all.....

Just the opposite....
I have planted my feet firm in the dirt...if my hand is forced...... I'm ready to take a leap of faith..... a jump into the unknown......scared no....I'm excited and ready for the new life that the ultimatum will force upon me.....as I have been thinking this is probably what I need.....the push that I have been looking for.....

Life is to short to live by the rules of a person who survives in life by trying to control people through ultimatums when it was them who caused the problem to begin with.....

Now not many people would would take the leap of faith as I'm going to. They would give in and go with the ultimatum especially in today's economy but hey, as I says you only live once.....money isn't everything....yes, I do have mouths to feed and medical bills, and other payments like everyone else....

I'm just tired of power trips....battles I no longer choose to fight.....so give me an ultimatum....and if I'm not doing anything wrong to cause it.....I'm gone....If I caused it then I will apologize and ask for your forgiveness...

So I have decided to take this negative word and give it a positive spin. I'm going to go after my dreams.....jump hard and heavy into my biz....go back to school......and who knows I might even date, find that Mr. Ann Marie that everyone who meets me wants to know if there is one.

To me only positive outcomes will come from the negative ultimatum......who knows I might even drop her a thank you note for the "ultimatum" which is going to change my life for the better......

One more step to becoming deliriously happy.......

Sending My Baby Off To War

I have had a rough week to say the least......
One time in my life when I need to be strong... a pillar for my babies....instead I'm struggling with every ounce of me not to cry.....to be able to breath....not panic with fear...I have been through a lot in my life....all which holds nothing to what I'm feeling about sending my baby off to a war zone...

Many of you don't know but my middle child...child #4.... "aka" short bus (nickname given to her because she is 5ft 1and gives me piggyback rides... I tease that she is so short my butt hits the floor)...T-birder(another nickname)...Taneah is in her last 9 days of training/holding before she is being deployed .......

Up until last Tuesday....it didn't bother me...because I decided to go with denial...my other daughter said mom she wont go....they will probably cancel her orders....I went with that....denial......it was working for me...up until she packed her gear at my house...then it hit me...my baby...my short bus really is going to a war zone and I can't do anything to stop her from going...to protect her....

I looked at her and said you really are going....
She said yeah, mom I'm...
I said but NaTasha said you wouldn't be going....she said they would probably cancel your orders...she was wrong...
I watched her pack her gear...thank goodness the rat that came to visit which took my mind off her going....

The next day....we said our goodbyes.....I thought saying goodbye to my babies that got stationed in Alaska was hard...well, was I WRONG....totally wrong...sending your baby to war....is a feeling that I can't explain....so many emotions but no words really capturing the way I feel.....

When I said goodbye...it was like saying goodbye knowing that I never get to see her again....that the person I'm saying goodbye to will not be the same person I will see when she gets back....it will be someone new....A person I never met before.... Will I ever see her again....she may not come back......over the last couple of weeks we talked about her wishes in case that happens...again I used denial and jokes....thinking she wouldn't go...yep, worked then...but not now.....reality hits...

She left me her car to use...every time I get in it....I can't describe how I feel....Thankful her letting me use her car while she is gone...but knowing why I have the luxury/honor of using her car...hard to handle at times...but what a sweet baby....

I had a parent say to me who does not have a child in the military...as parents we prepare our kids to go out and take care of themselves in the world that's all you can do...as if she thought this was comforting to me....I looked at her for a moment....
and replied yes, we do....but we do not prepare them for war.....not the same I said...thinking to myself....shes not moving away....she is going to protect us in a country that really is not fond of Americans...where bombs go off and guns are shot...forgot to prepare her for that.....

I have also struggled with the fact that my son-in-law....child #10...one of my gifts...went to war but I did not get this upset....I love Bryon as much as I do my own..... worried bout him the first time he left...I did cry and was scared for him..the next time...I put it out of my mind and knew he would be ok still scared for him....but with Taneah....why am I a basket case....I feel bad....like I was letting Bryon down...I immediately called my daughter NaTasha and apologized for not being as upset/scared when Bryon was deployed...... I didn't want Bryon ever to think that I loved him less....

She said mom he doesn't think that....we both think kids should be older when they go to war....and Taneah is blood mom...but I said that should not matter....I think it's because she is a girl...and Bryon can take care of himself....yes, I was sexist for a moment....one of them is very capable of taking care of themselves... the other...is not so capable....immature... really young....lacking life experiences...


I have a new understanding for parents who have gone or are going through the same thing as I'm....Not an easy thing....we can not protect our loved ones.....put them in a bubble...send notes telling people who want to kill them to play nice...and learn to get along.....we loose control of being able to protect them what so ever....not easy...extremely hard thing to do as a parent...

To all the families that have sent their loved ones to a war zone....My thoughts and prayers are with you....and always have been....Words cannot express what I feel for your pain or what you are feeling....

Thank you to all the service men for your sacrifices that you have given.....to protect us....

Mother's Day......

My wonderful kids...I have to say I have had a  Mothers Day's celebration that started last week and is continuing through Sunday or longer...We celebrated Mother's Day a week early this year because we were not sure that my daughter Taneah would be here or not to celebrate. She is leaving for duty over seas.

The cooked me a delicious homemade meal.. The table was spectacular. The kids wrote warm loving poems and recited them to me.  They gave me a set of black shells that stacked inside each other. The shells are what they collected at the beach. Which Annuh spent hours trying to find the right 'family of shells' for me:)!

Over the week I have received homemade cards, yummy chocolates and other candies. Lots of love and kisses. I can't wait to see what my weekend and the following week has in store for me. I feel truly blessed to have such loving kids who go out of their way to show how much they really appreciate me. They took Mother's Day into a 2 week span and have spoiled me rotten. Must say I'm one lucky MOM course I feel this way everyday day.

One Step Closer To Becoming Deliriously Happy.........Happy Mother's Day to all the mommies out there!

My Special Gift ......My Son with Aspergers

I have been bothered lately with a heavy heart. So instead of carrying the pain around with me. I have decided to do what I could to help change peoples views. I'm hoping to help people see what I embrace as a special gift.

I have had a few of my friends point out fact that my son is different than most boys. To these people I ask you is that not rude to say? Were you not taught any manners? What makes you normal and him not normal,  maybe just maybe we are not "normal" and he "is". What is normal??? I ask you!

My son was diagnosed with Aspergers, deletion of chromosome #22...tail end deletion which is not well known. A rare chromosome defect on chromosome #6 which I'm proud to say he got from me and an abnormally small Pituitary gland.

When I was given his diagnosis 2 years ago, I did not freak out...hit the net for clues of why,  causes or hide the fact he had issues.  I opened my arms and embraced his differences which I have done since he was born. I wanted to shout from the mountain top...Yes, we finally know what we are dealing with. I didn't cry, get pissed or was I sad. I just wanted to do what I could to give him the best life he could possibly have.

For now I just want to talk to you about his Aspergers. When he was between the ages 1 and 2 I knew that his level of thinking was on a higher level and different than ours. We had a daycare and when the kids would all leave he would go through the all the toys and separate them into piles. Each pile would have no rhyme or reason to us, only to him. There would be a pile of certain toys he would not use. He would begin to arrange the toys in sequences/patterns all around 1200 sq ft of space. He would spend hours doing this. We all would watch him in fascination...wondering what he was thinking and doing. He would make squares out of the toys....each toy would have it's certain place and reasoning of why it was next to the other toy. Which only her would know. At times he would tell you why. You would say "WOW" I didn't think of that! It was totally amazing. I miss this...he doesn't do it any more.   I actually  took pictures and videos of it.(when I find them I will share them with you.)

He hardly ever played with the other kids when he was younger. He liked to be alone. He loved watching PBS..He would watch some college math programs, Senate debating etc. You changed it he would have a fit. I called it boring but he obviously didn't. He does watch cartoons now but still watches all the educational things too. Dewy enjoys telling us about what he learns and we enjoy listening to him. His knowledge is astonishing! 

Dewy does enjoy boy activities such as exploring the great outdoors, building, fishing, rough housing with his friends, working on cars, and other things. He does enjoy his quiet time away from all us girls. LOL. What guy doesn't? Every activity he does is with  his own spin on it. It took him for ever and a day to ride his bike. He was afraid of getting hurt. The first time he fell and and scraped his knees I cheered. Not because he scraped his knee;  it was the first time he ever scraped his knee and he was 10. He plays on the cautious side.

Dewy is one of the nicest boys that you would ever meet. He may not make eye contact with you but he will hold the door open for strangers, gives his coat to his sisters if they are cold, make sure ladies are first, ect. He will tell people to have a nice day and/or ask them how there day is going? Not realizing people when people do not respond back or respond back but don't ask him how he is doing?

Dewy has no clue when people are being mean to him I'm thankful for that but I must say when it happens around me watch out because I'm not as nice as he is. We all can't fit into the "normal" model what ever that may be but for the thousands of kids like Dewy who are extremely smart but have social limitations and the kids who are not as fortunate as Dewy...shame on us for treating them differently and teaching our kids to do the same. And if you think that it doesn't happen you are wrong. I'm sorry to say it happens more with adults than kids. How sad is that;  how can we expect people to change and be accepting when we pass on our narrow minded views to our kids. I see it every day. It saddens my heart.

One day I hope people will be more understanding of others' differences. Change has to start somewhere. So lets begin now. One step closer to being deliriously happy.

Bummer......A great guy......

A quiet celebration took place within my heart last Thursday March 25. The day would have been my father's b-day. A day which I usually am sad and shed tears for him but this year was different. I still miss him more than anything but this year I decided to remember all the fun things and celebrate his day with smiles, laughs and sharing stories. A day of joy instead of sadness. What a more enjoyable day then usual and I'm sure he is happier with my decision.

On of my earliest memories that I have is our special nickname that we had for each other. A nickname that I never let anyone else call me and that was "Bummer". I have no idea how it came to be but that is what we called each other. Our special name that was not shared by anyone. 

I can remember spending my Saturdays with Bummer mowing, gardening, weeding. When we were done he would take me down to the local restaurant and buy me a milk shake. MMMM good and worth every second of help.

During certain seasons we would go Apple or blueberry picking. We would spend the whole day picking. He use to laugh and say good thing they don't weigh us going in and coming out and charge us for the extra pounds we gained.  Blueberry picking would consist of a fist for the mouth and a couple blueberries for the bucket. Before we picked an apple off the tree we would test taste it to make sure the apples on the tree met our standards. Bummer would hold the ladder and I would climb up the ladder. I was a monkey climbing fool when I was growing up. Climbing trees was second nature to me. I would reach all the nice big Apples that no one ventured to go get. Funny, now I would think twice about it. LOL 

One of the greatest gifts that my farther ever gave me was the ability to say I'm sorry. I say that because a few months before he passed there was a huge disagreement between him and myself. He ended up kicking me out of my house but a couple of days later he called me to say he was "sorry" and wanted me to come home which I did. I do remember the situation but it was the "I'm sorry Bummer" that I hold tight and close to my heart. I always tell everyone that was the greatest gift he gave me. The ability to apologize when I do wrong even if you are the parent. No one is perfect and we all owe apologizes at times.

I will always will miss him but from now on instead of a day of sorrow it will be a day of celebration for my family. A family that he never had the chance to meet.  Who knows maybe next year, we will honor his day with one of his favorite meals. Share pictures and stories. A fun day.. One step to becoming deliriously happy.
 

Walking on the Beach....A simple pleasure in life....

As I walked down the beach today with babies in tow, I was amazed as I always am at the ocean and the strong waves banging against the shore depositing gifts of shells, stones and junk on the shores.

The babies were excited to play chase with the waves, running and yelling as the waves came near them. It brings a smile to my face to think of the memories of them playing chase.  The littlest one found a great way of tuning her art ability by drawing in the sand. She instantly became addicted to it and didn't want to leave the beach and I was thankful she was not drawing on the walls again.

For a few minutes or two the baby had fun chasing the Seagulls. She ran as fast as her little legs could take her. Of course the Seagulls looked at her like you think your going to catch me sister. Please.... You can not catch me in your wildest dreams. I have wings. She soon gave up and looked at them like she was saying fine if you don't want to play with me, I have sand that will let me play.

The other babies enjoyed the walk down the beach. Excited to find all the unique shells that were on the beach. Collecting all the ones that they found to be unique. Jem found on that she thought was in the shape of a chicken leg. I think she was hungry. LOL Though she was right it could have been a chicken leg. Props to her and her imagination.

It was nice to see people (who were not being paid) walking down the beach picking up the trash and putting it in the trash reciprocals. People were walking there dogs, running, collecting shells, playing catch and having family time. The beach brings enjoyment to so many people. As a society we need to be conscious of waste and recycling so we can continue to have the enjoyment of beach and other wonderful simple pleasures that the great Earth has given us.

Ones step closer to being deliriously happy.....